Well, hello world.
It's literally been 8 and 1/2 years since I have posted anything on this blog. To be honest, I wasn't even quite sure I could access this blog-- nor did I think I honestly wanted to.
I've spent 8 years of my life always pushing forward. Never looking back. Well, maybe not never looking back, but if I did, I did so in self-reflection rather than remorse, regret, or envy. I spent 8 years becoming the best version of myself.
I won't tread too deeply into specifics of my life. One thing that sticks out the most to me that is a "change" of who I used to be is, I don't normally post my personal life on social media. If I do post something about my personal life, it's usually very basic. I read through a lot of my old blog entries (that none of you can see) and I felt incredibly sorry for that version of myself. He was in such a terribly dark place at that time. In so many very intense ways. Not just the craziness about John, and then Thurman.. but the people who were in my daily life. My "friends", my "family". It was truly a toxic situation in so many unique ways. I learned to set up boundaries in my life with people to really protect myself. It wasn't easy, and definitely wasn't without its ups and downs especially in the beginning.
It was hurtful to hold friends and family at a distance. It was sad because I know it hurt them, and it was sad because I missed them terribly. But people had gotten far too comfortable handling me in ways I was never okay with. And I couldn't allow that in my life any longer. Because I WAS ALLOWING it to happen. It was creating a chip on my shoulder that dictated my life. It made me feel like a lesser human being than others. It pushed me to do things that, in reflection, are so uncharacteristically me. Things that never in a million years anyone that knew me would think I was capable of. Things I would have never imagined I was capable of.
In order to regain control, I had to build walls and keep them up. I did that for a long time. But, instead of keeping the walls strong and high, I began to let certain walls come down to certain people who didn't treat me in ways I was uncomfortable with. I began to shift who was in my life and I found myself actually happy for the first time in far too long. I learned to fully trust people again. To be able to be close to people again without having to be scared of distance between us. Intrusive thoughts be damned, I honestly can rely on and trust people again.
I met my husband during that healing time. And it happened naturally. We were friends and honestly great friends for a couple years. Although the attraction was always there, it just wasn't a relationship I think either of us intended to go further than friends. I even remember people saying we were together and us both being like "um.. no". We fell in love supporting each other as friends in our induvial healing processes from life traumas. And of course, it wasn't without its bumps along the way, especially in the beginning. We both were trying to move past terrible shit.. and had to spend a long time learning to trust each other in a relationship setting.
I'm happy to say, we've been married for over 5 years now. We both have successful careers, a nice home, a little family. I am so grateful for him every day. I don't think I've ever felt as loved as I do every day with him. And I know I have never loved someone as deeply as I love him. And I am so proud of myself for realizing that I was the problem. That I was allowing this to happen.
I wish I could get in a time machine and talk to old me for 5 minutes. Because I would tell him to smile more. That it will get better. Enjoy the sunshine. Go on a walk. Tell someone you love them. And not because I would change the outcome, but because my only regret is that I spent too much time being so sad about things that weren't within my control. And it took me far too long to realize that old keys don't open new doors.
Thank you, to anyone reading this. I hope this provided a bit of inspiration to you in your own self-reflection. It's okay to realize you are the problem. I definitely was.
